February 4, 2008

True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.

My knees were shaking that night. I couldn’t forget. It was 7:06 in the evening of February 2. I was staring blankly at the parking lot that seems so empty. There were cars, but I felt so alone. There were people passing by. I didn’t notice. I didn’t seem to care. I got a grip of myself. I felt like my blood rushed through my face that it turned numb. I felt solitary amidst hundreds of people. I felt like the world stopped turning; and the second hand stopped ticking.

Cge. Kaw gud.

The lines. Short. Straight. It struck me. You’ve finally let go. Was it because I’ve told you that you were unable to exert any effort to keep us? Was it because I doubted if you’re happy with us? You gave in. I didn’t know what to do. I tried controlling every tear. I was snivelling, I knew. I wanted to bury my face in your shoulder, but you faded into the dim light. I just thought it would be easy for you.

It’s not easy for me. The same old story lage. Hahay.

I didn’t know what to say or do. My hands, they were incapacitated. I told you I wanted to make things work out. You told me that we can still be friends no matter what happens; that you’ll still be the person I know; that I can still share little secrets with you. Right?

Friends gihapon ui. Lage. Final naman jud kaha na nga decision?

I can’t keep you if you are not happy. So, I guess I should let you go. So, I guess it’s final. My fingers were numb. They have a mind of their own. I’d swear those were not the words I wanted to say. My heart, it wants to keep you. It doesn’t want to let go. I know. I know, for sure.

Unsay di ko happy? You just don’t know. Cge, kay final naman jud kaha na?

I didn’t know. I was flummoxed by your words. I was muddled by the situation we’re in.  I had doubts. I didn’t know if we’re okay. I didn’t really know. I just felt you were not okay. I knew I was wrong. The rain kept pouring. Like my emotions, they never ceased. It rained so hard I didn’t realize I got soaked. I felt like lost into empty space.

Nganu gud tawn? Maybe you said that kay dili kaayo ta magkuyog.

Maybe. I didn’t know. I don’t know. I have made you go. The hand I once held has slipped through my fingers. I didn’t have the courage to believe you, us. I didn’t understand. Such a lame excuse.

You’ve made a decision naman. And, it’s okay. The same old story lage. Wala ko time and dili kaayo masabtan ang tanan. Pero, cge nalang.  Hahay. 😦

So, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand how busy you were; how workaholic you have become; how you spend much time at work; how you forget to take good care of your health; how you’ve wanted not be disturbed; how you’ve wanted to be focused, or concentrate in the middle of the night. I didn’t understand, that I checked how you were doing. I didn’t understand, that I keep on communicating with you to fill in the gaps. I didn’t understand, that I’ve always kept you here even if you’re there. I didn’t understand, that I even spent alone strolling, wishing you were there. I didn’t understand. Really. Now, tell me. How will I ever understand? If you were to decide, what would you do?

Of course, I want to keep you. But, I thought mas nakasabot ka sa in-ani na relationship; that we don’t have to see each other just to prove our love.

Yeah. Maybe, I was expecting too much. Maybe. Maybe, I didn’t really understand. Maybe, I didn’t seem to understand why I don’t have to be hurt. Maybe, I didn’t understand why I don’t need to see those beautiful smiles in your eyes. Maybe, I didn’t understand why I don’t need to have you around. Or, maybe you’ve trusted me that much. Maybe, you’ve trusted that much in us; that things will work out just fine. Now, you’re gone. I’ve lost you. I’ve lost you for such a lame reason – I didn’t have courage to keep you, maybe not physically. I wasn’t able to convince myself that not all the time I would have someone to talk to, or share my sentiments with, or share beautiful moments with; that I would have someone special. I wasn’t able to believe in you – in us. And, that’s how it all ended.

Life is different now. I don’t know. It feels so cold under the heat of the sun. Laughter seems so dry. The room seems so silent and gloomy. I don’t know. I must have made the wrong decision. I don’t know. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I was never right to let go.