Lately, I’ve been receiving a bunch of text messages ranging from two to three pages. Though they eat up my 64MB microSD card, these text messages are worth keeping. The first time I received one of the messages, I really laughed out loud. To think, I texted my friend back and asked her if she had more of those messages. Even if I will share some of my load with her, I will so long as she will send me those messages. That’s how obsessed I was to read these messages.

It is actually about a maid-servant named Inday. She works in an extravagant mansion. Though she is just a mere maid-servant, she speaks like native Americans and I mean it. She always keeps her boss’ nose bleed. It’s not that her boss can’t speak English, but it’s just that Inday makes everything complicated by not speaking the vernacular. Let me share to you her punchlines then.

Boss: Inday! Bakit diyan mo pinapakain sa sahig si JR! Ang dum-dumi jan! Bluebaby pa naman ‘yan! (Inday, why did you let JR eat on the floor. It’s so dirty. Don’t forget, he’s a blue baby.)

Inday: Haller! What do you think of me, moron?! “Blue spells” or “tet spells” of acute hypoxia usually occur during feeding. Squatting in ambulatory child with a tetralogy of fallout as a compensatory mechanism- increases systematic resistance in decreased venous return, briefly decreasing hypoxia!
Now, you choose, you still want to see him alive, but with rashes or let him rest in peace?!

Boss: (collapsed)

Take note, she knows medical terms.

“Allergens triggerd the immune response. Eosinophilic migration occurs to the reaction site and release of chemotactic and anaphylotoxin including histamine and prostglandins. These substances result to an increase in circulationn to the site promoting redness.”

(That was her reply when she was asked why there were rashes in JR’s skin.)

Because of that, Inday was even asked to work in a call center.

Boss: Alam mo Inday, bakit di ka na lang mag call center, pa-ingles-ingles  ka naman? (You know what Inday, why don’t you work in a call center? Anyway, you always speak English.)

Inday: I don’t think that I’d want to have easy money for I know that choosing such employment is already limiting myself from experiencing enthusiastic ways of expressing what I feel by means of what I do, thus
imprisoning myself with an incapable mind which will result to doubt and
uncontentment.

Donya: Puta! (Bitch!)

And because of that, her boss studied her dictionary so she can withstand the pressure.

Overrnight, Inday’s boss studied the dictionary to counter Inday.

Boss: So Inday, tell me, how do you accept the fact that you are just a mere
chambermaid in this extravagant mansion?

Inday: una camarera? Eres tan pathetic. La unica razon que inscribi tu casa es
porque nada esta sucediendo dentro de tu casa cuasi-agradable. Quisiera traer una poca clase en este hogar pero conjueturo que no puedo porque esta casa es fea.

Boss: dammit!

Not only she can speak Spanish…

“Sie haben ein schones Land, aber Sie, Deutsch sind sehr unhoflich. Es ist wahr, daß ich ein bloßer hauslicher. Helfer bin, aber Sie solltenes nicht in reiben! ich fuhle deshalb, daß Sie es hinuber fragen mussen, und ubermaßig wieder.”

– ang sabi ni Inday nang tanungin siya ng Aleman na Immigration Officer kung siya raw ay isang katulong nang siya’s isama ni Misis sa Alemanya. (Inday answered when she was asked by the Aleman Immigration Officer if she was the maid-servant who will be going with her boss to Alemania.)

But also other languages. She even applied for immigration to United States with her boss as well. Check what she got.

Consul: Why do you want to go to the US?

Boss: To travel,  To visit friends & To fly the airplane.

Consul: Denied!

Consul: And what about you? (referring to Inday)

INDAY: For life is a neverending pursuit of material and social satisfaction that I tender my great intent of actualizing a transpacific journey to the landof milk and honey. An affable sanctuary where dreams become reality and a perfect habitat where souls like mine can reach the pedestal of freedom.

Consul: LIFETIME MULTIPLE ENTRY VISA GRANTED!

Boss: You’re a bitch! Screw you! (Shouted enviously)

And she was brought to the hospital after she attended JR’s Linggo ng Wika. From then on, she studied her native tongue.

Boss: Mula ngayon, walang magsasalita ng Ingles. Ang sinumang magpadugo ng ilong ko at sa mga anak ko, palalayasin sa pamamahay na’to! Klaro ba?

Inday:Ang mga namutawi sa inyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iiimbak sa sulok ng aking balintataw, sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunamgunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran. Tatalikuran ang matayog at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kikilingain, bibigkasin at sakdal timyas na sasambitin ng aking sangkalooban.

Boss: Leche! Di kami sinauna! ‘yong makabago and gusto ko!

Inday: Tarush! Pachenes pa tong churva eklavuboo chuva tabayishki kun suplandish!

See, she even use gay lingo that I myself could not understand. It is just as hard as translating the Filipino language. I apologize if I can’t transalate those for I suck in Filipino. Ha-ha. And oh, if Inday knows about Health and Biology, she also knows Economics and Accounting.

Boss: Inday, bakit mo binenta ‘yong sirang silya? (Inday, why did you sell the damaged chair?)

Inday: I have computed the chair’s fair value less cost to sell and the value in use using projections for 5 years and a pretax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair, in accordance with PAS(Phil. Acctg. Standard)18 on Revenue, PAS16 on Property, Plant and Equipment, & PAS36 on Asset Impairment!
 

Boss: ADIK ka talaga, Inday! (You’re an addict Inday!)

And…..

“Higher stock index and the low flow of investments triggered the inflation of the peso. Thus, your purchasing power is weak!

-Inday’s explanation when she was asked why the change she gave to her boss wasnot enough.

And of course, English!

Boss: Inday, bumili ka nga ng mga isda. Ay oo nga pala, inglesera ka na ngayon. Would you please buy many fishes for this week’s meals?

Inday: Judging by your statement, I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term ‘fishes’ although rarely used, connotes a plethora of different kinds of the said gilled aquatic creatures. But the more pressing questions before I go to the wet market would be: what type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or fresh? (pauses) Aahh. Given the meager budget afforded by this household’s quasi-peasant class taste, I assume i shall source the staple “ga-lewng-gong.” Am i correct?

Boss: Leche! (Bullshit)

And, who says she doesn’t know the chores at home? She knows how to prepare food and “baon” for JR.

Boss: Inday ano ulam natin? Darating na sir mo. (Inday, what’s our dish? Your sir will be coming in a while.)

Inday:Due to the infrequent mass media coverage around hog cholera, I’d consequently given a judgment on sauteing exquisite scallops in unsalted butter together with pungent white onion and tossed it with brisk asparagus. I’d also assented to twist it with fresh lemonzest and advance its taste via blending a petty amount of chardonay white wine as well as a cup of viscous ream.

Amo:(Eyes rolled.)

For JR…

“Drunken shrimp & blue lobster meat with caviar served with milagrosa rice (red variety) and apricot sauce vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive oil, lychee, and peach salad with sour cream and cream cheese topped with lemon zests.”

Since Inday is already popular, she was asked by FHM to pose in their magazine. Here’s what she said.

“Morons! I was never raised by my mom to be a coquette! I am nurtured with such dignity, respect and morality! Even poverty can’t make me do such scandalous act. Sexy is from within. I don’t rely on aesthetic products & on skimpy and scantily clad outfits. So pathetic!”

With Christmas fast approaching, you can have your list. Well, she has her own, too. And it is posted on her boss’ refigerator. It says:

1. Fendi handbag
2. Balenciaga sandals
3. Manolo Blanik high heels
4. Chanel furr coat
5. Ipod Video (80G)
6. Motorola RAZR Dolce and Gabbana editiOn
7. Sony Bravia flatscreen plasma TV
8. Aquamarine diamond wristwatch
9. Louis vuitton travel bag
10. Obagi system skin care line
11. Shiseido and L’oreal cosmetics
12. One week off vacation spree at the BAHAMAS

Now, can you add more to that?

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