Spaces

February 4, 2008

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True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.

My knees were shaking that night. I couldn’t forget. It was 7:06 in the evening of February 2. I was staring blankly at the parking lot that seems so empty. There were cars, but I felt so alone. There were people passing by. I didn’t notice. I didn’t seem to care. I got a grip of myself. I felt like my blood rushed through my face that it turned numb. I felt solitary amidst hundreds of people. I felt like the world stopped turning; and the second hand stopped ticking.

Cge. Kaw gud.

The lines. Short. Straight. It struck me. You’ve finally let go. Was it because I’ve told you that you were unable to exert any effort to keep us? Was it because I doubted if you’re happy with us? You gave in. I didn’t know what to do. I tried controlling every tear. I was snivelling, I knew. I wanted to bury my face in your shoulder, but you faded into the dim light. I just thought it would be easy for you.

It’s not easy for me. The same old story lage. Hahay.

I didn’t know what to say or do. My hands, they were incapacitated. I told you I wanted to make things work out. You told me that we can still be friends no matter what happens; that you’ll still be the person I know; that I can still share little secrets with you. Right?

Friends gihapon ui. Lage. Final naman jud kaha na nga decision?

I can’t keep you if you are not happy. So, I guess I should let you go. So, I guess it’s final. My fingers were numb. They have a mind of their own. I’d swear those were not the words I wanted to say. My heart, it wants to keep you. It doesn’t want to let go. I know. I know, for sure.

Unsay di ko happy? You just don’t know. Cge, kay final naman jud kaha na?

I didn’t know. I was flummoxed by your words. I was muddled by the situation we’re in.  I had doubts. I didn’t know if we’re okay. I didn’t really know. I just felt you were not okay. I knew I was wrong. The rain kept pouring. Like my emotions, they never ceased. It rained so hard I didn’t realize I got soaked. I felt like lost into empty space.

Nganu gud tawn? Maybe you said that kay dili kaayo ta magkuyog.

Maybe. I didn’t know. I don’t know. I have made you go. The hand I once held has slipped through my fingers. I didn’t have the courage to believe you, us. I didn’t understand. Such a lame excuse.

You’ve made a decision naman. And, it’s okay. The same old story lage. Wala ko time and dili kaayo masabtan ang tanan. Pero, cge nalang.  Hahay. 😦

So, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand how busy you were; how workaholic you have become; how you spend much time at work; how you forget to take good care of your health; how you’ve wanted not be disturbed; how you’ve wanted to be focused, or concentrate in the middle of the night. I didn’t understand, that I checked how you were doing. I didn’t understand, that I keep on communicating with you to fill in the gaps. I didn’t understand, that I’ve always kept you here even if you’re there. I didn’t understand, that I even spent alone strolling, wishing you were there. I didn’t understand. Really. Now, tell me. How will I ever understand? If you were to decide, what would you do?

Of course, I want to keep you. But, I thought mas nakasabot ka sa in-ani na relationship; that we don’t have to see each other just to prove our love.

Yeah. Maybe, I was expecting too much. Maybe. Maybe, I didn’t really understand. Maybe, I didn’t seem to understand why I don’t have to be hurt. Maybe, I didn’t understand why I don’t need to see those beautiful smiles in your eyes. Maybe, I didn’t understand why I don’t need to have you around. Or, maybe you’ve trusted me that much. Maybe, you’ve trusted that much in us; that things will work out just fine. Now, you’re gone. I’ve lost you. I’ve lost you for such a lame reason – I didn’t have courage to keep you, maybe not physically. I wasn’t able to convince myself that not all the time I would have someone to talk to, or share my sentiments with, or share beautiful moments with; that I would have someone special. I wasn’t able to believe in you – in us. And, that’s how it all ended.

Life is different now. I don’t know. It feels so cold under the heat of the sun. Laughter seems so dry. The room seems so silent and gloomy. I don’t know. I must have made the wrong decision. I don’t know. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I was never right to let go.

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14 Responses to “Spaces”

  1. beer-O said

    uhhhummm…that was a bit deep, or should i say intimate 😆

    haaayyy…letting go na naman. i’ve read some stories before and of course, it’s always sad and mournful. things will be fine, dude. “A love lost is a love gained”. Ouch, did i say it? hehe 😆

    so, you’re into a distant sort of relationship. well, i wish you gud luck! who knows, you’re paths will cross again. i believe so because love has its of finding souls that are destined for each other. ouch, sinabi ko na naman ba yon? 😆

    @beer-O
    Wahaha! It’s fine.. wahaha! di naman ako yan eh.. toinks… 😆
    The prob is they are on the same place.. but since they don’t have time for each other, ayun, parang distant relationship nga.. Ang hirap kaya nun! wahaha! pero, ok na dude.. thanks sa concern [on behalf sa mga tauhan].. 😀

  2. yuie said

    a bunch of i told you so’s pouring out of my head like crazy.. i want to write it here, but i know it wud not change no thing..
    i don’t know if we shud comfort you or scold you.. but i think it’s neither..
    because you obviously made it a point that this is any of our business..
    and it hurts you know…
    you treated us like strangers..
    what are we here for then?

    @yuie
    No. It’s not actually my intention to make you feel like strangers. Really.
    I’ve always wanted to tell you everything.
    Thanks for the concern..
    But wait, this isn’t my story! waaahh!
    blame my thoughts! wahaha! 👿

  3. Lost said

    @Yuie: don’t believe nickname. he is a very good liar. i’v fallen many times. now i dont know if he is telling the truth or not. gosh! why is he making things complicated? jeezz!

    @Nickname: vague, mask, ug uban pa. di ko kasabot.hehehe!

    @Lost
    Hahaha! i’m telling the truth – that this isn’t my story.. wahahah!
    Sorry, it’s meant to be vague, so no one would understand.. hehehe..
    The only people who would be able to understand this piece of shitty are the ones who are involved, and the ones who knew the story [me, the confidant]… heheh.. 😆

  4. Lost said

    @Nickname: oh, guess i’m out… sad, sad, sad.
    ambot…hehehehe…

    @Lost
    ehehe.. sad?? nope.. it’s life.. toinks… letting go is part of loving.. char.com.ph care! 😆

  5. Lost said

    @Yuie: patya ra gud na si nickname..hehehe..
    you’re right, he’s a hard-headed night creature…joke! hehehe.
    it hurts noh? hay.. stay away from him…hehehe joke..
    – wai pulos ni nga comment.

  6. yuie said

    i’d just like to think that it’s maybe because you really don’t love him that much or maybe ur not really serious that’s why u don’t introduce him to us..
    please leave my assumption just as be..

    @yuie
    ha? kinsa ba? waaahh! unsa man?? toinkz..
    i told you it’s not mine.. wahahah! 😆
    its a fabrication! wahaha! swear…
    this isn’t me.. do you think i’d cry over someone?? noooo…. 👿

  7. beer-O said

    pootcha! 😆 ang tino pa naman ng comment tapos sasabihin mong di totoo. minsan nga lang akong magdrama, wow mali pa pala. 😎 ‘langya talaga oh.

    but, you know what i don’t believe that this story is not a first-hand experience. you described everything in detail. did your friend tell you all that or the me’ries are still fresh enough to recall? 😆

    @beer-O
    wahaha! journalist ka talaga! fine. See? do you think lahat ng mga sinulat ko totoo? eh paano naman yung namatay? wag nyo sabihin totoo din yun? ahaha! teka, meron ba? hehehe… galing ko kaya mag-fabricate.. di nyo lang alam.. waheheh…
    waaahh! bat nyo ba ako pinagtutulungan?? hehehe! 😆

  8. yuie said

    sumbong tekang coy…
    you’ll never hear the end of this..
    Fabrication, my foot!

    @yuie
    no, not coy please…
    waaahh! panitan ko ato.. waaahh! 😥
    yatapz na ko.. 😐

  9. beer-O said

    ngeekks! 😆 i know that we write something that isn’t true just to get the heck of it. but the basis or source of this story is good enough for me to tell that it is fabricated. it’s quite hard to remember some details of an interview or something. did you use a recorder when your friend told you this story? every input was vividly written and every point was taken from the writer’s perspective.

    one thing would convince me…divulge the source! yuie might have an idea. pero alam ko sasabihin mo “off the record”.ahehe 😆

  10. yuie said

    hahaha..

    nganu bitaw ni enter.. bleh!
    prepare urself..
    praktis ug hilak…eheheh

    @yuie
    wahaha! di nalang ko pakita ninyo uy!
    awayon nya ko ninyo.. huhuhu… 😦

  11. @beer-O
    uu nah! brodkaster kana! wahehe.. may recorder ako.. may video nga.. wahehe.. yuie doesn’t have any idea. no one does. only I and my alter egos have the idea. wahaha! 😆
    Really, you have to believe that this isn’t first-hand experience. You can encounter a lot of writing pieces, novels, short stories; everything is so detailed – how the girl weeped, what she felt inside, or how the girl moaned, or how two bodies enjoyed earthly ecstacy. Just think of this a piece out of the imagination per se. As if, I’m writing a novel. 😆
    There is nothing hidden in this passage, but to convince the readers that this situation really exists. Its just a matter of observation.. 😆

  12. beer-O said

    ohmigosh! wag mo namang paduguin ang ilong ko. may “earthly ecstacy” ka pang nalalaman jan. oo na, novelist ka na 😆 i give up. i’m done with this. well, what can i do? i’ll just believe everything that you say though i’m not convinced. ahehe 😎 hmmm…observational learning lang pala yon. pero alam mo first source ng writers yong sarili nilang experience. wala lang… 😆 ok na sa kin sagot mo.

    @beer-O
    hindi ako novelist.. May point ka when you said na sariling experience ang source ng writers. Yeah. Totoo yan. But not all of them. Kasi hindi naman cguro lahat ng kwento ng buhay nararanasan nya. Some of them are observed. Really. Kahit ikaw nga siguro. Naranasan mo na bang magkaroon ng kabit? di ba u observed it lang sa society? so, parang ganun lang yun. Exaggerated lang cguro, kaya parang detailed.. hehe.. peace..

  13. awwww!!! may pagka emo man di ay ka dhong!!

    nickname™: ayg saba! ato rana.. wahaha!

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