There have been a lot of things that happened today. Five hours have been spent staring at the monitor doing nothing. Another few hours were allotted for meetings with the heads regarding with some sort of resignation or something. Few hours were spent sipping cups of coffee. Server was down. Power naps. Thinking. Daydreaming. It has been an exhausting day. It has been an ordinary day, for me.

Billy Gilman keeps on yelling on top of her lungs for “One Voice.” She’s cute, though. I like her way back years ago. Oh, where am I? Yeah. Sitting here on a monoblock chair really gives me pain in the ass. Oh, how I wish the good Lord will touch our big bosses’ hearts, and they will shower us with soft chairs that wobble and swivel and bend like seesaws. I love the company I’m working for, but I hate the chair. Really. I tell you. When you’re in the middle of stress from grammar, and you feel like you wanted to doze off, the monoblock chair adds the stress. You can’t relax. Your mind won’t be able to relax  since it has been focused on some sort of pain in your body that is glued to some kinda plastic stuff. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I don’t need to kiss asses to impress. Everyone can kick me out from complaining. I’m not alone, anyway. Ha-ha! My vocal chords just don’t have the guts to yell out and express the deepest of my sentiments. But, my fingers have. See? I was able to type without even thinking (I must have been paranoid.) These could have been side effects of too much pain in my spinal column. Oh, by the way, I don’t have fats to cushion myself. So, the hard surface directly hits my fragile skeletal system. Ugh! I don’t have a very high threshold of pain. He-he. What am I talking?

Yeah. I would gladly appreciate it if we would be given the chance to sit on those kingly thrones. I promise I won’t be sleeping the whole shift. Five hours, maybe. Nah, I’m just kidding. I assure you this will keep our minds sound and healthy by dreaming the wildest of dreams. He-he. Kidding, again.

Oh, I still have to finish a lot of things, by the way.

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Aishite Imasu.

January 24, 2008

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The day you asked me if I was willing to be with you is still fresh in my head. You asked me if you could keep me for real. I just said “yes.” I never really thought you would. I thought those were just the same old sweet words that would turn bitter in the end. I thought those words were just lies that would crush me into pieces. I did not care. I did not care until I realized I needed someone like you in my life. I did not care until I found out those were real. I did not care. Really.

Funny how I realize it’s been a month. Funny how the bond’s still there though we seldom see each other. Funny how you still keep me though we seldom talk and communicate. Funny how I still care for you though we are the only ones who know. Funny, indeed.

I still laugh thinking about the old days. I just laugh when I think of the times when we were not able to spend time together. I just chuckle when I think of the times when we pretended to be someone else, and told each other how we feel. Thinking of the inane things we’ve done – from jumping off the bridge together to giving free gate passes – have me in stitches. I just burst into a loud guffaw when I think of the days we had little arguments. I just giggle when you told me you love me, and you chose to love me. I just grin, then laugh, because you were so mysterious that I never really thought I have you right now.

And, I was thinking. What if I don’t have you, or you don’t have me? Life would never be the same, I figured. The sun would not shine the brightest, I guess. The sky would turn grey. Rainbows would be tinted with black and white. See? Life would be dull. Lacklustre. Lethargic. Inanimate.

So, please stay. Why? Because I don’t want to hurt myself again. Worst, if I do, there’s no one to blame. I’m just kidding. Hehe. 😆

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Strangled with Agony

January 19, 2008

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Pain doesn’t hurt when it’s all you’ve ever felt.

The time you walked away without saying goodbye felt like a thousand knives stabbing me. My heart bled. My cheeks were flooded with tears. The hand I used to hold has let go. The smile in your eyes fades like smoke in thin air. The warmth I used to feel changes like freezing cold. The room, which once filled with laughter, is now empty with solitude. The blue sky seems grey. The wind seems so cold like winter in summer.

You left without a notice. You left me with nothing but pain, and all sort. You left me wounded, and bleeding. You left me hanging upon a thread. You left me. Yes, you did. And, I can’t ever have you back. I can never feel those warm embraces again. I can never hear your sweet words one more time. All of them dwindled into space. The laughter. The smile. The warmth. The love.

It seems like pain is all I’ve ever felt. But, it doesn’t hurt no more. I’m used to it. My heart; it has been pin-cushioned with needles. Pain is now part of my system. There will always be pain every time I wear a fake smile. Pain is always there every time I speak of beautiful stories. And now that you’re gone, life will be like it was before. Melancholic. Nostalgic. Morose. Now that you’ve let go, my feet will be treading along the shorelines, alone. Solitary. Deserted. Abandoned.

Life has been beautiful and excruciating. I won’t shed a tear no more. I’ve had enough.

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Love, overrated.

January 18, 2008

I don’t wanna lie no more. I don’t wanna fool myself over and over again. So, I want you to know that this is real. Those times when I looked into your eyes without a doubt, I know I need you more than anything else that matters. Those times when we held hands, I know you’ll never let go. Those times when we laughed at silly thoughts, I know I could never be happier. Those times when we spent time together, I know I could never spend such wonderful moment again. Those times when we kept in touch and told how much we missed each other, I know I could never have someone like you again. Those times when we spoke sweet words of loving, I know I could never hear such beautiful words again. Those times when you said you love me, I know I could never ever love someone like you again.

That’s why missing you is an agony, but strengthens my heart to love you even more. A day feels like years, and I long to see those beautiful smile in your eyes. The night seems so long and endless without a word from you. The room seems so empty and stale. The wind seems so cold and painful. It’s as if the only cure is you. Indeed, you. I long to feel those loving embraces. I long to hear your dulcet voice. It seems like melody in the air my heart keeps on memorizing each line you uttered.

“I wanna believe it’s love this time. I wanna believe my heart is not telling me lies; because with you, I can’t deny. If I believe in paradise, I’d swear I’ll be there.”

Those words. Your words. So, now, I told you I love you. I know that’s real. I know deep in my heart. It’s the love no man could fathom. It’s the love no word could ever describe. I want you to know that I’m always here. That, I want to kiss away old hurts. That, I want you to be happier than you’ve ever been before. And, I want you to know that I’m staying. I’ll stand by your side. I’ll hold on to my promises no matter what. I’ll be there for you through it all. That’s why I’m keeping you though this might bruise me. Call it martyrdom. I’ll call it love.

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Dear God,

January 18, 2008

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From the very first moment I opened my eyes, you showed me light though blurry that I only saw some silhouttes. When I slept, you gave me peace of mind and warmth of a loving embrace. When I grew to become a toddler, my parents introduced me to you. Though I never really believed you existed, I always feel your presence. You were there when I fell from a tree. You were there when I was about to drown in a deep well. You were there when I almost sprained my ankles from tumbling down. You were there when I almost burnt my skin. You were there when I almost dried my eyes in tears. You were there when I was lonely. I was never alone because you were always there. You were even there when I learned to smile. You were there when I gathered medals from academic achievements. You were there when I saw Papa and Mama smile. You were there when my family laughed. See? You never leave me alone though I never really see you. You were always there though I feel happy or sad. Maybe I was wrong, then, that you never existed.

I know it’s not possible that I could talk to you face to face. I know it’s not possible that I could hug you whenever I feel sad. I know it’s not possible that I could cry on your shoulders when my heart feels like heavier than a nimbus cloud. I know it’s not possible to hear you reprimanding me when I commit mistakes. I know it’s not possible to hear your good advices when it comes to getting a life or living life to the fullest. I know it’s not possible to ask for your protection when bad guys try to hurt me. I know it’s not possible that I could smile with you often. I know it’s not possible that we could hang out together, or we could have good talks over a bottle of beer. I know it’s not possible, yet I believe you’re still there. Silly it may seem, but I sometimes doubt your existence. Then, my heart knocks my head off for thinking stuffs like that. Maybe, I was thinking wrong. Then, I realized I was.

Though you’re never here, you gave me good people around. You gave me my family to take good care of me. You gave me friends whom I can share stories and laughter (read: over glasses and bottles of red horse or tanduay). You gave me good people who taught me to read and write. You gave me people who taught me how to live and love. You gave me special people whom I can share my sentiments with. You even gave me someone whom I love, and who loves me in return. See? You were never here, but you are present in all the good people around me. Maybe, sometimes you should avail yourself of UNLITXT or SULITXT, so we could burn our thumbs, texting. These people never fail to text. I mean, I never fail to text them. They just receive and delete, by the way.  

I’m always a kid, and I don’t want that to change. It’s the only way that I could talk to you like you’re my big brother, or my playmate, perhaps. It’s the only way I could easily forget about bad things, and it’s the only way that I could never hold grudges in me. It’s the only way I could get close to you apart from getting close with the good people around me. It’s the only way I could easily ask for forgiveness whenever I make someone cry.

And like a kid, please don’t take away those things  that make me happy. I will really be hurt. I’ll have tantrums, and I will really hate you for that. I will not really wear a smile, and I will forget that we’re friends. But, I know you wouldn’t do that because you’re the best-est friend I ever had. And I know you would always want me to keep those things. I know; because you always want me to be happy. Also, I know you always give me some challenges. Please don’t expect too much out of me. I can’t always solve some Calculus problems, you know. Maybe, you could help me with those challenges, too. Isn’t that exciting? I am not being lazy to learn, but isn’t it good when someone’s there to help you out with solutions? And, I always want that someone to be you. We are friends, right? That’s why I always thank you for being there. I thank you for the good people around. I thank you because you always there to listen and help me out. And I want you to know that I really appreciate the effort you’ve shown.

I love you, and I always want you to stay.

 Sincerely,

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